Hey. I haven’t typed on here for weeks. Not so much has changed since I last posted.
Well.. for starters . I have a job now. I am currently training at Applebees as a hostess. Its not such a hard job, I just need to learn how to use the table chart and how to seat people in order and I’ll be good. The job itself is quite boring, but the people there are really funny so Im happy I work there. The down side is the pay is absolute shit. But still .. a job is a job right?
I’m starting a diet this summer. I’m going to have Joe be my personal trainer haha. Hopefully he keeps his promise and actually helps me train. Cause there is no way I’ll be able to do it on my own. I have motivation. But, my laziness is just so out of control… nothing will help .. only if I am being pushed by someone. I’m hoping to at least go down 1 pants size and flatten my stomach out. Oh.. and my fatty arms. Thats all.
I also found out that Lulu and Sean are an item now. It hurts knowing that they are. She knows how I feel about this kid. She knows how tore up I was from it. It’s like she never cared about my feelings. I’m honestly not even really mad at Sean at this point. He is a horny douche who flirts with anything that has a vagina. But Lulu ….. that’s the fucked up part. Clearly I don’t really matter to her even though I was her so called “sister”. It really gets me annoyed. But it’s hurts more .. But I basically told her I can’t be in her life anymore if she is with him. So if she chooses to be with him .. hope she gets fucked over as well.
I'm going to be completely honest. If you are going to get easily offended ... just leave.
Hey. I haven’t typed on here for weeks. Not so much has changed since I last posted.
I am so jealous of Marissa’s school. That place is so beautiful. He friends are really funny too. She had it made over there.
I saw A Cabin In The Woods this weekend. That is a really great movie. I wanna go see it again. It was soo unexpected. The ending was shit though.
I found out more about the hyperhidrosis surgery today. Apparently it really works. But it hurts like a bitch. My eye could get fucked up and my lungs could collapse. So .. I don’t know if I’m going to do it or not.
I’m in such a blah mood right now. I just wanna sleep. My head hurts. I feel sick. Wah. But I need to get my math work done :/
I miss you. I miss what we had.
I’m going to Massachusetts with Marissa tonight. And we are going to a club. I am excited. I have never be to an actual club before. I need to make sure I look hot.. haha. I can’t wait to dance my worries and shit away. And get fucked up. Like extremely fucked up. Well not too fucked up because if I get too fucked up I start crying xD .. and we don’t need that happening.
My hyperhydrosis has gotten a lot worse. Its gotten to the point where I have to keep a towel next to me to wipe my hands off when I’m on the computer. Also.. when I write I fuck up the paper because my hands are just so wet. I hate this. It makes me so self conscious. I hope I can get that open chest surgery to fix it. :/
With the whole break up thing. This week was pretty good. Because I talked to Sean the whole week. So I was happy. But it hit me yesterday. That he only sees me as a friend now. All the feelings I have for him aren’t mutual. It hit me like a train. Now I just feel like such an emotionless body. Like I really just want to stay curled up in my bed and I don’t want to get out. My chest hurts a lot. I don’t mean like “my heart is broken wahh.” My chest physically hurts because of this. I also have been getting the worst headaches when I think about anything referring to this topic. But I can’t stop thinking about it.
So I just took a 4 hour nap. And I am still soooooooo fucking tired. Like Ugh. And I’m hungry. I wanna go eat. But … I don’t wanna move xD .. #lazypeopleproblems
I wish April was over already. So I could be home. I just wanna nap on my comfy ass couch and cuddle with my annoying ass dog. And then after I’m done napping .. I will hang out with one of the 3 friends that I actually have. Then go back to sleep….
I just started watching The Walking Dead. Cause everyone says that show is amazing so I wanted to see for myself. And so far .. I watched the first 2 episodes from season 1 and I gotta say … It’s pretty good … but I got sad when the horse got eaten D:
I still have yet to go to the zoo :/ .. It’s so fucking depressing that all I wanna do is just go to the zoo. Sigh .. I’m really just about to go by myself one day cause no one seems to wanna go with me #foreveralone
Okay well now time to rant about how much my love life sucks at the moment like I typically have been doing for the past couple posts…. lawls
WELL … Apparently a few people ((friends and family)) have this CRAZY idea that I am not in love with Sean .. BUT IN FACT .. I love being in love or I just love being in relationships. Like .. WTF…. You don’t know my feelings towards anything. Everyone is fucking different. I am the type of person who gets feelings for people easily. Just because other people have issues with liking people and shit .. doesn’t mean I’m like them. I’m a lovey dovey person. When I say I love a person. I always mean it. Lying about that word is the worst possible thing that could be done. If you don’t love a person then just say it. Don’t lie to them just to make them happy. Like god fucking damn.
Do I love Sean? Of course I fucking do.
Did we go out for a long period of time? No we didn’t.. but we talked for like 2 months beforehand non stop, we texted each other everyday, and we skyped every night.
UGH my life feels like it has just been shit the past week. But last weekend was absolutely amazing. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. I really needed it.
I wanna believe that those status your posting about missing someone are about me. I know they probably aren’t though.
I have come to accept the fact that nothing can go right for me. Absolutely nothing.
Why don’t I make people happy.
I hate feeling like this. I can’t eat. Honestly in the past 4/5 days .. I ate like 3 times. I can barely even sleep. I constantly feel sick. And I just want to be left alone.
The letter is no longer on my wall. I miss it being up there. But I every time I see it I just want to break down. And the bear he got me. It’s not on my bed anymore. When I was crying one night I just threw it in the laundry holder/basket/thing. I’ll take him out when I need to do laundry though.
I want to be able to put the letter back up again. But I know that’s never going to happen. I know me and him aren’t getting back together. It kills me to feel like that .. but nothing ever goes right in my life.. so why should this.
If I look back on the past posts I wrote on this I NEVER expected this would have happened . I always thought so highly of you. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world because of you. But now I just feel like complete poop all the time. But I’m going to try my hardest to not think about it. Because thinking about it is killing me. I’m going to try to look on the bright side of this.
Maybe you will realize how much you miss me.
Maybe you will be like fuck .. I want her back.
…LOL Why am I fooling myself.
BTW Diego. keeps. trying. to. get. it. UGH Please stop talking to me. I’m not mean enough to say suck my dick. But … Suck my dick.
Today was the first day I started using my detox pills. I can feel them floating inside my stomach. Gross. Hopefully I don’t get some problem from this shit. :X
SO MUCH SHIT HAS HAPPENED SINCE I LAST BLOGGED. Well lets start off with my least important thoughts .. then make my way to the big thing.
Well … I want to lose weight. I am so unhappy with my body. I wish I could just move all my arm fat and my belly fat to someone else. Then I will be happy and content. I should start working out. But I’m too lazy. I try to eat healthy .. but it never lasts. I bought these diet pills the other day. It was awkward buying them because I needed to show i.d … :X But hopefully they can help. Well they aren’t so much diet pills .. they are Detox pills. They cleanse your body and I will assume that makes you poop. So hopefully it helps. For my sake… I hope it does.
I have been wanting to go to the zoo. For a while now. Every time I find time to go. It has to rain or something fucks it up. All I want to do it go to the goddamn zoo … how hard is that…
Now I guess to the big thing. Sean broke up with me the other day. He told me he doesn’t know what he wants. And he doesn’t want to be in a relationship if he isn’t giving it 100%. I was devastated. I had no words for him. I had no idea what I would have been able to say. I drove him home afterwards. While I was driving him home it started hitting me, and I was crying to myself. I don’t think he noticed I was crying. I hope he didn’t. When we got to his house I told him goodbye. He seemed annoyed that I didn’t give him a proper goodbye. But honestly what do you expect from me. You dumped me in my own house. You didn’t really even try talking to me when I was bringing you home. ..After he got out of the car. I just broke down. I knew right then and there that he had left me. That from that point on .. we won’t be having sleep overs anymore. We won’t be sarcastic to each other. I will never wake up to him again. It sucks getting dumped.
Well yesterday it only got worse. He told me that the other reasons he broke up with me ere that because he cheated on me.. twice. He had sex with 2 other girls. Honestly. I don’t even know how I felt after that. It was just a mixture of emotions that I can’t even explain. He told me the names. It was Cat and Anna. I figured it was Cat because on the day he broke up with me had had a bite mark on his neck from her. I didn’t want to believe that he would cheat on me. I really didn’t … but I’ve been fucked over before .. so why not again right? He fucked Anna in the beginning of our relationship. That felt even worse to hear. I wonder if he even thought of me while it was going on. I wonder if I ever even crossed his fucking mind.
I wish he would have told me when he fucked Anna. I wish he just would have ended things with me right then and there. But I’m glad he didn’t in a way.
But one thing I wish for the most. I wish I didn’t have sex with him. I wish he didn’t take my virginity from me. If he didn’t have sex with Anna then it would be a different story.
I just don’t know right now. I would take him back. I honestly don’t care what people would think of me. I could care less about them. I just want to be happy. Sean.. Sean made me happy. Sure he was a sucky boyfriend at times. But other times he wasn’t. He was great. I just miss the guy I fell for. Before we started dating. When he actually seemed like he wanted to talk to me. When he wanted to Skype with me every night. Even if he was so tired and fell asleep right when he got on. What happened to him..
Why am I tearing up right now? I should be happy. I should be so freaking happy. And I am. But at the same time I’m not. I don’t know. I wish yesterday just went better.
Yesterday was me and Sean’s 1 month. I was so excited. I started counting down the hours until I was able to see him. Yeah I know dorky as hell .. but.. you’ll get over it. I tried my hardest to look my best. I wrote him a letter too. I thought it was kinda cute. When I saw him .. I thought he looked soo so so so so cute. Like umf! xD I was happy to see him.
We went to Z one to eat. The accordion guy came over to our table and played music for us. I was dying xD. He seemed embarrassed. I felt bad for him because his back was hurting him. He really seemed like he didn’t want to be with me there at that moment. I know it’s probably because his back was hurting really badly. We barely even ate our food.
Then we went to my house. I put some icey hot on his back. Then we went to his friends bon fire. This is when things took a turn for the worst kinda. We we got there I thought it was pretty cool because I never went to a bon fire before. I felt really out of place when we were there. Like I am the awkward girlfriend who just stands there, smile occasionally and is on her phone for most of the time. I don’t mean to act like this. Believe me .. I want to be outgoing. I want to be talkative. I want his friends to think I’m the coolest girlfriend he has ever had. But ..yeeahh thats not going to happen. Like I just feel something is holding me back… People just don’t understand :/. I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t do it because I think I’m being a cute shy girl. I don’t wanna do it. Ugh. It just gets me mad at myself. Then I just end up feeling miserable. Absolutely miserable. It got me so miserable to the point where I was practically crying on the phone to Nathalya about it. Also to the point where I wanted to leave. I told him I wanted to go. But I told him to stay. I know he wanted to stay. I really did. He was having fun. I was just ruining the vibe for him and everyone else. I felt really bad. Really bad. I know he didn’t want to leave with me. His friends definitely think I’m such a bitchy miserable girlfriend.
We then went to my house. The tension in the car was crazy. We barely even spoke. When we got to my house he went in, got a water bottle, then just went upstairs. Ugh I felt bad. At that point I just wish he was with his friends at the bon fire instead of being miserable at my house. We watched The Notebook. That movie was amazing. I didn’t think I was going to cry that much.. or at all. I want a love like that.
After the movie we cuddled a little bit. Then.. we.. had sex. Yep. sex. S .. E .. X. It happened. Let me tell you. That shit hurt. It felt kinda good. But it was mostly pain. It took a while for it to actually like happen .. I thought it was kinda funny. He seemed annoyed :/. I don’t regret it. At least I don’ think I do. But I do regret one thing. The mood. I wish it was more romantic and instead of rushed, like the way it felt to me.
I really do love this kid. But I really feel like I have just been bothering him and getting him annoyed lately. I don’t mean to. But I see myself doing it. It gets me all teary eyed because I know the way I’m acting it just going to push him away and he is going to end up leaving me. Sigh, I’m just going to try and change. Change myself back to the fun girl he got to know. The girl he fell in love with.
Hey Tumblrrrr , what’s poppin niggaaaa??? I’m gonna inform you on the past 2 days. Well…. Sean slept over Tuesday night. It was fun. I love when he spends the night. In the morning we toke a shower together ^.^ , I felt so self conscious.. I really just tried to ignore the fact that my gross nasty body was all out in the open for him to see. Wednesday night I hung out with Lulu. It was alright I guess. I won’t lie I did feel a little bit awkward being inside her house. When we were walking outside she randomly asked me if I was a virgin … I know. An awkward question. But when I told her I still was, she looked like relieved in a way. I don’t know.. I thought it was pretty weird she asked me…
Now time to get to what has really been bothering me the past 2 days xP ….
Last night Sean slept over … and while he was in the bathroom… Lulu called him. I don’t know why but it just got me sooooooo annoyed. Like extremely annoyed. Why does she need to call him? Why couldn’t she just text it to him .. they text all the god damn time so what was so important that that she needed to call him for. I realized that he talks to a lot of girls. But SHE is the one I have the most problems with. She has other friends, she basically stole Michael Ward away from me … so why can’t she call him? Or one of the Codys. Or someone else. I honestly really don’t know why this bothers me so much.. I guess its just the fear of him leaving me for her. And I know my craziness about this is just going to push him away towards her. Ugh … I just sometimes wish she would just go away. Like far away. Or something. I know I shouldn’t be like this … I mean if it wasn’t for her .. I would never have met him. Sigh. Some days it doesn’t bother me … but other days it does. I just don’t know what to do. I talked to John about it and this is what he told me..
“again…. we’re not going out, and i dont think uve ever seen me text a girl when im around u …i think its disrespectful …like why do u needa be talking to someone else.. if ur hanging w me …let alone another girll in ur case ..i think its gives off the image of either something shady is up, or “ur not enuff to entertain me?”
Blahh ….. I don’t know! ksdgflfd’s;fasfD!!!
Another thing.. we barely mess around anymore. I feel like I’m not good enough. When we were showering .. he got .. ya know .. “excited” and then we started messing around a bit and then I don’t know … it went away. Ugh I over think to much. Maybe I should just let things happen. Haha I feel like such a guy complaining about how me and him barely mess around anymore .. but still. Maybe he realized how unattractive I am. Or how my body is just gross. I don’t know.. :/ I’m going to try and not eat as much. When I go back to school I’m barely going to eat.. maybe I’ll get skinnier. Hopefully if that happens.. I’ll become prettier.
I really just don’t feel good enough for him. At all. Maybe he should go back to Loujain.. They do make a cuter couple. She does dress better than I. They have more music in common. And they talk a lot. I try to be a good girlfriend. I really do. But I just feel like I fail at it.
Hey tumblr. What Poppin?? I apologize for my absence. I have been going through a lot of shit the past couple days and I was unable to blog during that time. Well I guess I could come up the past couple days in order…
- Fought with Sean about him wanting to be friends with Lulu
- This lasted a couple days
- Sean slept over from Friday night to Sunday night ^.^
- I gave him head for the first time lmao.
- Finally … Lulu and I are going to try to be friends again.
With the whole me and Lulu thing. I would really love being friends with her again. I know we really aren’t going to go back to the way we used to be that quickly. We have been talking for the day 2 days and it seems to be going pretty good. I’m just uneasy about how much Lulu and Sean text each other. When I’m with him at night, for the past couple days, he has been constantly texting her. Like CONSTANTLY. It really shouldn’t bother me.. Sometimes it doesn’t, but most of the time it does. I’ll tell you when it really bothered me…
It was one of the nights he slept over. We were watching one of his favorite shows, Game of Thrones, and we were just cuddling and we barely talked. But he would constantly text her. Just her. It really bothered me. I now it shouldn’t but it did. Like how would he feel if I was constantly texting Jamie or Dan? He would probably be annoyed too. And when we were eating dinner he was still texting her. At that point I just thought “Am I really that boring?”. It kinda hurt. I really wish they didn’t talk this much. Its a little too much for me. If it continues… I’ll start to retaliate lmao. To show him how it feels.
-Sigh- I don’t know. I have the strongest feeling that I’m pushing him away with the way I have been acting and he is going to fall right back into her arms. That would be the worst possible thing. Plus … my moms “pep talks” about this .. are just making me feel worse about it.